Depression is a debilitating disease. It consumes your body and mind. Depression for me feels like this.

Everything is cloudy and I feel forgetful. It is like a gray film has covered my eyes. I can see through it but it is just muted and feels unreal. What was I just thinking of, how long have I been sitting here?

I try to push myself to do things but feel confused and then too heavy inside and out to do anything or even move around.

My body cracks as I reposition myself and everything hurts. It feels like I have a case of the flu. I feel waves of pain and dull pulling throughout my body.

Nothing makes me smile, I see no hope. All I want to do is cry and then the tears start to run down my face. All of the pain and loss I have ever suffered comes rushing back and drowns my mind. I can’t take the weight it is hard to breathe.

The fatigue is uncontrollable. Sleep washes over my body. It feels like my mind goes in and out of consciousness, everything around me is not real.

Any light hurts my head. All I want is complete darkness and no noises. My senses are heightened and everything is more intense. Any smell, any noise, any taste puts me over the edge.

I feel freezing cold, even layers don’t help keep me warm.

My eyelids feel heavy, it is hard to keep my eyes open.

My breathing has slowed I can barely feel the breaths go in and out. I wish it would just stop and feel nothing.

My Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder when I was a young child. I have struggled with the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder my entire life.

Bipolar 1 Disorder

Defined by manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depression and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible. Says the National Institute of Mental Health.

Struggling with a mental illness should not be shameful. It should be discussed and it is a disease like diabetes or high blood pressure.

Bipolar disorder is treatable however, there is no cure. It can be treated with psychotherapy and medications. See a doctor for more information.

The most important thing is to know that all the symptoms are temporary and you will make it out of the current episode. There are days where I feel like it will never end, but then I wake up the next day and the pain has subsided a bit.

It is important to talk about your feelings with family and loved ones. Living with bipolar disorder increases the chances of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. If you or someone you care about shows symptoms talk to a doctor or call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK [8255]); it is a United States-based crisis center.

Please leave a comment and start a conversation about mental illness. If you have suffered or have a loved one that does. Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are. You are special and beautifully unique.

Please read my other blog on living with a mental illness called In the Eyes of a Mental Illness.

Just remember, we are all in this together.